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Extract - Slip into Schizophrenia and a Sea Change - H.B. Woodrose (HBW) -  laughingbuddha EROWID
This happened to me three years ago. I always intended to write out my experience, but life happened and I never got around to it. Yet there's rarely a day that goes by where I don't think about that fateful night when I swallowed 12 HBR seeds and EVERYTHING changed. Luckily, things changed for the better...but that easily might not have been the case.

At the time, my friends lived in this really cool, really old house. It had a back room which was about as wide as a washer and dryer and maybe three or four times as long. My friends had converted it into this totally righteous 'opium/makeout den' by hanging blankets and sheets all along the walls and draped from the ceilings. They put several layers of blankets and cushions on the floor, an electric blanket on top of all that, and then on the very top this crazy gold colored sateen blanket they'd picked up at goodwill or something. They'd even gone so far as to invest in some curtains so that the room was partitioned into 1/3 entryway and washer and dryer and 2/3 pot smoker's heaven. It was very womblike, in a way, what with the blankets draped down from the high ceiling, the diffused darkness, and the warmth and all. We used to sit back there and get stoned nearly every day--it had great vibes.

My psychonaut buddy--I'll call him L-- had gotten the HBR seeds and done them a few times. I’d done them with him once already, I took five seeds and virtually nothing happened, just a slight buzzing, mainly a physical reaction. Since five hadn't been enough, and he had 12 seeds left, he offered to prepare them in a water extraction for me, and I took his offer. ….

I think I’ve read elsewhere that if you take a hallucinogen or an alkaline drug like LSA and you start to feel its effects almost immediately or within, say, a half an hour--be warned. You're about to trip balls. I’m not sure if this is true or not but I distinctly remember feeling the aforementioned buzzing sensation almost immediately after drinking the solution (probably about 12 oz of water). …………Knowing how fond I am of the movie blade runner, he put on the soundtrack that I’d brought over in my CD case. Now, if you've ever seen the movie or listened to the soundtrack, you'd know that it's all about DEATH, dying, the life cycle, the brevity of life, that sort of stuff. Probably not the best music to listen to …..

…. [at one point]  I went into a completely tripped out, non-responsive fetal position. I remember kneeling on my knees while I confessed myself to her and then started to slowly, slowly fall over, drool coming out of my mouth all the while. ….. The panic which had earlier washed over me now turned into fear I was dying (no doubt aided on a subconscious level by the Blade Runner soundtrack reverberating through the room.) It was Christmas too, which happens to be my favorite time of year. I thought 'what a shame to die during my favorite time of year, my mother will be heartbroken.'

….. I can hear everything that's going on. --'I think he's dying,' P said to L. 'No, he's not dying!' said L. 'I think he was just hit really hard by the seeds is all.' I can hear them talking about me, wondering if I’m dying or dead, and this is all fueling the perception that I’m slowly cycling down, my life is ebbing away.

I liken this period of the trip--which probably lasted for about three or so hours--to the idea of an old dog being put to sleep. I distinctly remember feeling like a dog. Dying, that is. Maybe the position that I was curled in made me think of a dog curled up as it sleeps, I dunno…..

This has had lasting consequences for me. For the entire next day I felt serene and peaceful--quite the stark contrast to the previous night's paranoid schizophrenic breakdown. I remember colors were softer, the sun was brighter, I felt very gentle, calm, and peaceful. It was a very pleasant after-glow, one which I have never experienced from any of the other sundry drugs I have dabbled with over the years.

One last thing I should mention. This experience unhinged me. While the day-after was pleasant, the weeks were not. At one point about three weeks later I was delivering a pizza and a wave of absolute terror washed over me--the same kind of terror I felt as I lay dying on the blankets in the back room. Only this time I wasn't on drugs, and yet I was still freaking out. The paradox of death was upon me and was having real, psychological consequences. It might be fair to call these episodes residual panic attacks, but whatever you want to call them they lasted in earnest for weeks. Death had never troubled me so much before, but now I couldn't get the concept out of my head. Questions like, 'What happens when you die' and, 'Is there a soul?' and, 'If so, what happens to it when the body dies?' now preoccupied my mind, and not in a pleasant way. Every time I’d think about death the same feelings of helplessness, panic, and anxiety I’d felt would wash over me. Eventually I overcame this paranoia by realizing that I was making a conscious choice to feel this way, I was not on HBW anymore and therefore could decide what to focus on thus how to feel. This has, in fact, become a guiding mantra for my life. Thus I say this experience was a 'sea change' in my life. I wouldn't want to do it again, and I wouldn't necessarily recommend it to anyone, but I wouldn't take it back for a billion dollars. That fateful night three years ago made me who I am today.